Tired

Perfection is really just a balance I think. Everything seems so perfect until something feels off balanced. Or maybe it's winter. I never really did well in winter. Makes me feel fatter, which really feeds on itself (haha get it??). Sometimes "It" feels like a prison, this balance of perfection. Isn't that ironic?

How far can one go in letting oneself forget, or suppress all the things that one used to do, enjoy, be...when one was just 1, and not 2, and not 3? How much do you give of yourself until you feel like it's just too much...that these tiny invasive thoughts of destruction creeping into your head are getting really stupid...like a sci-fi movie randomly running through some channel behind your wide opened eyes...then you realize oh shit I missed my pill again this morning now I'm 12 hours behind my hormones, which must not be good since I did the same thing yesterday...

That's why sometimes getting high is so great. That moment of blur is really a release from your left brain I swear to God- like in this brain scientist's book, which can also be seen on Ted here. She had a stroke and got to experience life with only the right hemisphere of her brain (b/c her left was the area of the stroke) and recovered to tell the story from a brain scientist's perspective. Her shit is spooky. She talks about how she felt total nirvana, released from the ramblings of her thoughts and the baggage of her emotions, which she says originate in the left hemisphere. I probably shouldn't compare getting high to having a stroke...

Apologies to Ms. Bolte. I'm sure she'd understand that I'm being dominated by the left side of my brain right now.