Something is Brewing

Something is brewing...

It's like when you see lightning but can't hear the thunder yet.

And I want to give it a name and a face so badly. I've tried:


No...(oh man this one was close)


No...No...

When really...all along, it was just as simple as a nice weekend and a break from one grueling winter.

You in the islands... part 2

UPDATE: 1/20/09 (5 months after this post) I have found "Marie," my little aerobics instructor who helps me pretend that "you in the islands..." And I am learning her samba and "sunshine walk," and "roll-out, roll-out," like a pro. And I found some pilates workouts I like.

It's a nice investment: $8.99 with unlimited 1-at-a-time DVDs and unlimited instant watching activities (haha, i'm a commercial) with Marie and all her aerobics ab-o-rific friends. Soon, I'll dig up the Jane Fonda aerobics queen in me that I didn't even know existed...that's right...I'll become a middle-aged white Barbarella with a mean hip grind...



or a mad mean fish-sauce eating machine...we'll see...

My Favorite Relaxing Strategies

1. Don't be mean.

2. Shut off TV, especially commercials and reality TV shows.

3. No Reading.

4. Favorite smell (candle, incense, oils, body creams, bath oils)

5. Low lighting.

6. Meditation (or the attempt at it).

7. A QUIET house/apartment at a quiet hour.

8. Journal.

9. Flowers, or staring at a picture of one :)

10. Toumani Diabate/classical/jazz (no talking,singing, rapping, humming).

11. Bathrobe.

12. A cleared space/clean space.

13. Do not do anything new.

14. Do not do anything challenging.

15. Listen to breathing and breath deep.

16. Drink some water.

SF

Healing is a continuous process. Just when you think you're over something, something triggers it and it begins to hurt again...almost as intensely. And even though you think you had already sat down with that emotion, stared into its eyes and let it go, it returns.

But forgiveness, for me, is a long road of opening up and up and up and out and out and more and more...

Last night my hubby and I reminisced of earlier days, our adventurous days in San Francisco where we learned to be on our own. It was like remembering who you were, and then realizing who you are now. The emotions that emerge remind you that yes, you have come a long way, even though sometimes, it seems like you haven't.

So what does that say about me

Daylight hits my face after a deep sleep and having dreamt about being at a Miley Cyrus concert (that is NOT one of my real dreams, I would like to state for the record), I move a leg.

FRIGAN OUCH.

I am sore from head to toe. My arms ache, my legs ache, I think I've found a muscle that I didn't know existed.

Oh, I am so mad at Bikram.

It is 11:23 PM and you know what? I still feel the SAME way I did this morning. But damn it, instead of being a blabbering idiot about this, what does this really say about me?

The last time I did Bikram yoga it rocked my world, enough so that I showed up to class again the next day. It made me feel refreshed, open, detoxified. This was in 2005 or 2006, about 3-4 years ago in SF, CA where I walked everyday, maybe 1-2 hrs. everyday, without even thinking about it. It was before my pregnancy and before the baby. Before suburban-car-driving life where my only daily exercise is daily chores and any other exercise has to be done consciously. It was before my body transformed into a "post" something or another. It didn't actually transform, it kinda became a new creature by default and reclaiming this skin is taking me some frigan time. I've retained the 10 lbs that I got from being pregnant. I really can't call it a post-pregnancy body anymore b/c my baby's almost 2. And what the hell am I complaining about when I only have 10 lbs to lose??? I live in America for goodness sakes, these people here have like, 100's of pounds to lose!!!

So what does it really say about me?

Am I just a lazy-ass?

Do I just love food too much? (oh lordy do I love food)

Do I not know how to do this?

----OR----

DOES MY FAT JUST REALLY LOVE ME TOO MUCH TO LEAVE ME????

I don't know. I don't know what it says about me. All I know is that if it's hard for me to fight this little battle that seems like a war, I know that the way my world is built around me doesn't help it. But that doesn't mean there aren't ways to climb out of here. I've got my mini steps set up. I guess I just wanted to be bitch-slapped by somebody besides myself and it took Bikram to remind me why this has to be done in the first place, this physical health thing.

So this is my next message to Bikram: Thanks for the bitch-slap.

A Message to Mr.Bikram: Thanks for creating HELL on earth

Somethings don't mix. Like fish sauce and mayo. Like beer and wine. Like Flava Flav and weird big clocks. Like a fatass in the middle of a Michigan winter and Bikram yoga.

Imagine: It's the middle of winter and it's 30 degrees outside and your scarf is keeping you toasty. You're body's 3 months into this weather. Recently, your sweat glands have been nicely massaged by Netflix Instant Watch aerobics with "Marie," You're used to just enough bending where the next morning you feel a tinge of muscle sore.

Then imagine opening the door to: HELL.

It is 105 degrees inside, humidity level probably 110%. Breathing makes you want to choke. Then, you are introduced to the instructor- a cross between Madonna's grandmother and a leprechaun: wicked ripped for her 60+ age, with a face of a beat-up hooker (way too much make-up), and curly red hair that fell all over the place.

And it gets worse. The room is packed. There's a yoga mat every 8". I am the last student. I can barely fit between two old-timers. "Bend, breathe in, breathe out, put this here, put that leg there, stretch, stretch..."

I...Am...GOING...TO...(water)...DIE!!!!!!!!! This thought occurs about every other minute. 90 minutes of this, that makes it 180 minutes of, SHII, I AM IN THE MIDDLE OF HELL ON EARTH. And I paid $15 bucks for it.

But I survived it. Right now I am in my bathrobe, 4 hours later, doing absolutely shit, trying to recuperate. Bitter. Body confused. Internal organs still cooking but toes cold. My sweat glands are in shock. All this makes me want to smack a leprecaun then kick it up Bikram's butt. And I would tell him, "Thanks for creating HELL on earth. And having it curated by a Madonna' leprechaun grandmother."

Vegetables for Me!

I went vegetarian for about 24 hours, which I know seems like a really short period of time, but it was 5 meals! It made me feel lighter and comfortable. The challenge is thinking about meat as a side note, not the headlines, or as the captions under a picture.

The attempt to eat more vegetables came after the usual epiphany experienced after an Oprah show (no really.....) about Blue Zones.They're areas around the world where people live the longest and the oldest. They share the secrets of these places to promote good health for us fat americans. When you listen to the advice and read about their findings, you realize, oh yeah! Modern life is......I'll save you the ramblings. You realize that the advice is really how life has been lived since...forever...like making a garden gives you a close connection to your really healthy local produce, eating vegetables and eating healthy keeps you young, destressing with people you love gives you a sense of belonging and community.